I'm not crazy

At least not officially anyway.

I've already explained my coldness and lack of emotions so I don't need to go into that again, but I don't think I've explained my dissociation from reality. Due to its relevance to the post I'll explain that first. Sometimes it's hard for me to separate dreams from reality, I often hear things and sometimes can be caught looking at myself in the mirror for a few minutes. It becomes hard for me to separate dreams from reality because the conversations in my dreams always have something to do with the waking world, and they're very real. When I wake up, I have to sort out which conversations that I remember actually happened and which were dreamed up. It has become harder as of late, but who's griping really.

I have always heard things, no not your typical dead people talk to me shit, but it has never effected my life and doesn't even at this point. I mainly think I hear people say my name or something, and so it often results in that awkward "did you say something?" and nothing more. Now the mirror thing, which probably most of you are thinking damn creepy shit, I look at myself because sometimes I don't recognize who's staring back at me. It takes me a minute to come to the realization that it's my reflection. I don't know how to explain it other than to say that it's like discovering yourself every time you wake up. This is my reality, a constant organization of perceived reality and perceived dream. It's not easy to function normally when you must second guess and check everything about your existence - which is probably why I'm so socially inept.

As with all things it has its ups and downs, pros and cons. Some days I don't have to worry about it so much, others I spend the entire day trying to figure out if I'm really awake or not. The best pro, and reason that I don't wish I was "normal", is that I am able to more easily gather falseness in news and am easily able to recognize life for what it is - a falsehood. It's easy to accept that what you've been taught your whole life is a cover up placed on existence to make it bearable, when you spend your entire life telling yourself what parts of your memory are real and what parts aren't.

Anyway, as of late my dreams have turned a little strange. For example today just before I woke up, don't ask me how I'm aware of myself when I'm asleep, I was in a white room with a friend of mine talking. This friend shows up often in my dreams so it isn't unusual that we are talking, what is unusual is that seconds before I woke up he said to me "something good is going to happen at 13:00" so I looked at my watch. At 13:00 I woke up. I'm no morning person, if you wake me up I do not just get up and get ready to go - I lay there for 10 minutes blinking and wishing I hadn't been disturbed. When I woke up from that dream I was fully aware and alert. This doesn't seem like a big deal to you but to me it was rather unnerving, even now I feel like my inner sanctum of relief - my mind - has been violated and I can't really explain why.

From here on this post is purely theory and is open to be proven wrong or discontinued even by me.

I think that my subconscious uses this person, this close friend of mine, to represent itself in my dreams. I have known this friend for sixteen years and we have always been like brothers, I take his words to heart and we often talk to each other about things far beyond what we would discuss with anyone else. I believe that knowing that, my subconscious projects - if you will - its thoughts through that person to me in the form of conversation. Subtly forming opinions in me, and changing my perceptions as per what is required in life. What worries me is that it has never made any direct comments such as what it said this morning. Why does that worry me? I couldn't tell you, there's just something kind of unsettling about it.

Even now I find myself wanting to delete this post and forget I ever wrote it, but I'm going to post it anyway. That old fear of losing my mind is creeping up on me again, oh well, maybe it would be nice to be insane.