I'm not crazy

At least not officially anyway.

I've already explained my coldness and lack of emotions so I don't need to go into that again, but I don't think I've explained my dissociation from reality. Due to its relevance to the post I'll explain that first. Sometimes it's hard for me to separate dreams from reality, I often hear things and sometimes can be caught looking at myself in the mirror for a few minutes. It becomes hard for me to separate dreams from reality because the conversations in my dreams always have something to do with the waking world, and they're very real. When I wake up, I have to sort out which conversations that I remember actually happened and which were dreamed up. It has become harder as of late, but who's griping really.

I have always heard things, no not your typical dead people talk to me shit, but it has never effected my life and doesn't even at this point. I mainly think I hear people say my name or something, and so it often results in that awkward "did you say something?" and nothing more. Now the mirror thing, which probably most of you are thinking damn creepy shit, I look at myself because sometimes I don't recognize who's staring back at me. It takes me a minute to come to the realization that it's my reflection. I don't know how to explain it other than to say that it's like discovering yourself every time you wake up. This is my reality, a constant organization of perceived reality and perceived dream. It's not easy to function normally when you must second guess and check everything about your existence - which is probably why I'm so socially inept.

As with all things it has its ups and downs, pros and cons. Some days I don't have to worry about it so much, others I spend the entire day trying to figure out if I'm really awake or not. The best pro, and reason that I don't wish I was "normal", is that I am able to more easily gather falseness in news and am easily able to recognize life for what it is - a falsehood. It's easy to accept that what you've been taught your whole life is a cover up placed on existence to make it bearable, when you spend your entire life telling yourself what parts of your memory are real and what parts aren't.

Anyway, as of late my dreams have turned a little strange. For example today just before I woke up, don't ask me how I'm aware of myself when I'm asleep, I was in a white room with a friend of mine talking. This friend shows up often in my dreams so it isn't unusual that we are talking, what is unusual is that seconds before I woke up he said to me "something good is going to happen at 13:00" so I looked at my watch. At 13:00 I woke up. I'm no morning person, if you wake me up I do not just get up and get ready to go - I lay there for 10 minutes blinking and wishing I hadn't been disturbed. When I woke up from that dream I was fully aware and alert. This doesn't seem like a big deal to you but to me it was rather unnerving, even now I feel like my inner sanctum of relief - my mind - has been violated and I can't really explain why.

From here on this post is purely theory and is open to be proven wrong or discontinued even by me.

I think that my subconscious uses this person, this close friend of mine, to represent itself in my dreams. I have known this friend for sixteen years and we have always been like brothers, I take his words to heart and we often talk to each other about things far beyond what we would discuss with anyone else. I believe that knowing that, my subconscious projects - if you will - its thoughts through that person to me in the form of conversation. Subtly forming opinions in me, and changing my perceptions as per what is required in life. What worries me is that it has never made any direct comments such as what it said this morning. Why does that worry me? I couldn't tell you, there's just something kind of unsettling about it.

Even now I find myself wanting to delete this post and forget I ever wrote it, but I'm going to post it anyway. That old fear of losing my mind is creeping up on me again, oh well, maybe it would be nice to be insane.

Feeling good today

So we're gonna have a good post today. I love music and so I'm going to talk about music for a little while.

People say music soothes the savage beast, and I believe that in a lot of instances that is the truth. A good way to prove that is the fact that music is used in psychological therapy for trauma. Music has the power to bring people to violence as well though, as is proven in that since the dawn of music men have brought musicians to war - the term "beating of the war drums" ring a bell? (no pun intended)

I use music as more than entertainment, it is the emotional side of my very existence. It bridges the gap between the coldness that rests so deep within my chest, within the hole where my "heart" used to be. I do not feel emotions and honestly that kind of thing gets to you. I can't explain the pain of never feeling sad or happy, it's one of those things where you don't know what you've got till it's gone. I've watched loved ones die and felt nothing, as well, I've achieved life goals and felt the same absence of life. Now, introductions and explanations aside let's get to the meat of this post shall we?

I love a wide range of music and I keep certain artists always close at heart. We'll start with music that I listen to for various emotions rather than a few particular breeds. Pink Floyd, Tool, A Perfect Circle and Led Zeppelin cover a good basis for the music that I listen to for a range of emotions. Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin being the classic rock, and Tool and A Perfect Circle being the more modern side. Classic rock has that technicality and skill level that's not seen in music today, but deeper than that they have an underlying message with each song. It's there but you have to listen and think about it to fully understand it, music like this comes along once in a great long while and should be treated as treasures - rather than to be lost to the ages as is so sadly the case.

The angry part of myself, which I'll admit is a too large a portion, is covered with metal. I don't do mainstream metal however, if I'm going to listen to angry music I may as well go all the way with it. My typical genres for metal are Deathcore and Technical Death Metal. Bands such as The Faceless, Whitechapel, Rose Funeral, Molotov Solution and Suffokate are staples of these genres. They are the best of their genre and I settle for nothing less. I typically listen to this music when I want to level out after being pissed off, but sometimes I just get into the mood for some metal.

Then there are times when I want emotion to be present, but in the background and covered in a haze of reality. I don't expect you to understand that statement, but it holds true all the same. This is when I listen to Dubstep, a clever mix of bass and drums with electronica roots that operates at 140 bpm. Artists such as Phear Phace, Flux Pavillion, Nero, Pendulum, and Skrillex being my favorites. This music kind of makes you want to dance, but sometimes it can also make you want to relax. That's what I like about it, the way it can vary from song to song. I suppose this music is my suppressed extroverted side, as most people find this music agreeable.

I've been known to listen to other kinds of music, and there is a slew of bands not covered in this post but if I covered everything we'd be looking at a post far too long to read. I will end this post here and ask you, what kinds of music do you like? Why do you listen to it? And what are your favorite bands?

Environmental dangers

Never been much of an environmentalist, I recycle and that such but that only does so much. Seems only fitting to start this post with a quote from lamb of god though. "Only after the last tree's cut, and the last river poisoned. Only after the last fish is caught will you find that money cannot be eaten." She'll take it back boys and girls, floods, volcanoes and earthquakes - a good old fashioned apocalypse if we don't use a little more discretion in our ways.

I'm not talking about some divine retribution, I'm a little more intelligent than that. I'm talking about the burning of fossil fuels destroying our atmosphere while we burn the candle from the other end as well by deforestation simultaneously being aggressive towards both sides of the very thing that makes our existence possible - the ecosystem. Don't even get me started on oil spills and the extinction of several species of animals. We're fucking shit up fellas, we've gotta make a turn for the better or barrel down the abyss to a calm nothingness.

Take a stand for your planet, for your lives. Stop deforestation in mass areas, plant trees, recycle, stop the hunting of animals to extinction. Be a little more kind to the environment that sustains all life, not just ours. It wont even take much time out of your oh so busy fake little lives, all you need do is sign digital petitions and raise awareness, if you're really feeling frisky you might even join an activist group. Please and thank you.

Link to a petition signing website which hosts several petitions for good and idiotic ideals. I say good and idiotic because some of them are just plain retarded, please use discretion in what you sign. http://www.thepetitionsite.com/

Moving on.

Sorry for the little self pity party, there's just some times that things are so ridiculous that you just have to blow up and move on four seconds later. For me it's just like that too, short outburst - everything's cool. Granted, the fact that you can blow up on your own personal blog with no consequences helps a lot with that too lol.

Anyway, on to the main point of this post. I do a lot of reading on things like astral projection, lucid dreaming and getting in touch with the subconscious. I never have really been able to get in touch with myself though, despite trying meditation, hypnosis and lucid dreaming. Astral projection doesn't really help much with that, it's more along the lines of experiencing life from a different plane of existence - which is still very interesting to me.

My point is this: there are wells of information just below our consciousness behind a door we should all open. Not all of the information is good, but it's better to know yourself for what you are - all the good and all the bad. For some people though, it's not as easy as turning the knob and walking in. It's more akin to trying to break into a bank vault - not so simple. With enough practice and diligent perseverance I will eventually reach these wells of knowledge but I also want to use all the tools at my disposal.

All of that being said I will end this short post with a request for any links anyone might have which would help me to get to that point. Thanks in advance for any help that you render to me.

Ugh, life.

I fucking loathe life. It's like every time I think I've got it every time I think I've finally got it under control to at least a mediocre level something kicks me in the throat and I'm back in the fucking swamps. THE GOD DAMN SWAMPS.

Excuse the caps, but I think right now I deserve a little ranting on my own god damn blog. I hate social interaction, in short I'm fucking terrible at it. I say things that offend people not understanding why it is offensive nor understanding what I did wrong. It's pressuring, talking to people for me is akin to manual labor for a five year old - rigorous, draining, and just plain inhumane. It's even worse when I care about someone, but I care about them so I deal and try, I give it my all to be acceptable and to not do anything wrong. Doesn't help that I'm a perfectionist of all things. Really, all I'm doing is whining here, I mean in the end I just need to toughen up and get used to it because it's a part of every day life. Unfortunately my depression is so deeply rooted in my very soul that it's become a part of me that decides my very action, and right now I'm up to my neck in it. I attempted suicide three times in my youth, not that I'm old now - but some people are old in mind and not in body. Keep that in mind with me - the old part not the suicide thing. Bringing up suicide is not meant to conjure pity from you, the very thought of that makes me sick and angry. I hate pity and I don't need it, it will only make me weaker as a person.

I bring up suicide because I've been dead before. At the age of twelve I died during a medical examination for a few minutes, asthma testing. For me there was no light on the other side, there wasn't much of anything, just a black nothingness. I've never felt quite the same after that though, something has been missing since that day. Like I left something very important there. I don't know, I can't really explain it but I don't think I'll ever feel quite whole again.

Hell, maybe that's what it is, maybe I just need to die and get it over with. Hah, if only the answer was that easy right? Ah but fuck it, I'm tired and drunk as shit trying to numb the fuckery that's going on in my head. Whiskey is your friend kiddos, but only if you're old enough to drink it. Half a bottle though, is too much if you ask me - I'm surprised I'm lucid enough to type at all.

A wise person once said to me that depression never goes away, it can only be controlled. She's right, it doesn't go away. It scars you forever and it's a beast that cannot be killed. People who laugh at it should have to experience it, but at the same time I wouldn't wish this shit on anyone. It can make you feel lower than any embarrassment, sadness, or loss can ever hope to achieve. After eight years of suicide being plan B though, I've gotten used to it. This low feeling is my plain of existence and it's not going anywhere, but neither am I. It's sobering really, allows you to see life from outside of life, puts you on the other side of the looking glass. People are fun to watch, you know? Good night cruel world, and fuck you.

Got this image from another blogger, whom can be found here: http://boredmuse.deviantart.com/

All credit for this image goes to Boredmuse, whom created it.

The relevance of that picture to this post is that TV rots your brain and turns you into what I like to call a sleeper. Sleepers are people who refuse to believe anything aside from what the media tells them to believe, and so can never wake up to the corruption and danger that fills our government. Some people out there just said "hey, what about the news!?" and to those people I say the news is filtered by the government in ninety-nine percent of news outlets. In the end, you hear what they want you to hear. That being said, ever wonder why it's always something bad? Ever wonder why when you turn on the news the biggest story is the most recently dead soldier, or the new terrorist attack, or maybe even which terrorist was caught but wont talk? Yeah, there's a reason for that and I can sum it up in one word: control.

You people have to learn to use what resources we have to learn the truth, and unfortunately those resources are factual word of mouth and the internet, both of which can be proven true or false on the basis of more research. Unless you want to be completely dependent on a government that uses you for nothing but a wage slave I'd say you should get busy understanding how things really work and what's really going on. I for one wont stand for the amount of abuse that people around the world are forced to endure. I speak from a standing point of the bull shit Americans are currently dealing with but it's the same everywhere, corruption in the high ranking seats of the government in important areas such as economy, military, health services and politics. Corruption is not something man is born with, it's a learned behavior much like racism, hatred, close-mindedness and the need to own things. Corruption is born from the competition and self-serving mindset set up by currency.

I wont rant on this forever, I will give you a window to look through. A way to find the truth and the answers for yourself, because that's how I work. I wont do the job for you, and I wont be your "leader" or some shit. In the end the choice of how you live life is yours, I refuse to be their slave but if you're content with that who am I to make you change?

Here are some links that you will find incredibly useful in waking up and learning the deep levels of corruption present in our government and around the world:

http://zeitgeistmovie.com/

http://www.thezeitgeistmovement.com/

http://www.thevenusproject.com/

I'm not gonna overload you with too many links right now, but I will continue to post things such as this so that maybe I can save one or two sleepers who have just dozed off from numbness.

If things continue like they are the world as we know it will end, and peace will forever be lost to the global elite that control just under half of the worlds wealth - 1% of the population. That's right, 1% of the population accounts for 40% of all resources, currency, and power. Congratulations you have just been shocked into awareness. Things are going to get bad, and that's not a warning - it's a prophecy.

Call me the awoken prophet, I once was lost but now I see.

Or maybe...

Not, I suppose. Sometimes I guess people really just don't want to wake up. Can't say I blame them in any case, the reality of our lives is so much an unsettling thing that waking up seems forever a nuisance and changing reality an improbability that is seemingly completely out of the reach of your average man. So why would they want to wake up and see what's really there? There's a reason people like to sleep, and it's because they can dream. Have you ever tried dreaming while you're awake? Well if you haven't, don't, because it will get you labeled as an outsider or some kind of trouble. Don't you know by now that you're supposed to do what everyone accepts as okay when you're awake? Don't you realize that you can only really be yourself when you're asleep!?

Sorry but not this one, not this man. I refuse to simply be acceptable to everyone around me, and to the powers that be. If that gets me a life of seclusion away from the world then honestly I think I am happy with that. At least for the last four years of coming home and enjoying time alone, never partying and never really going to see anyone but a few good friends whom do the same as I, I have no regrets. People have completely stopped approaching me, and I like it that way - lest they spew more ignorance in my direction. I don't like people, but I think it's because somewhere deep inside I want to save them from themselves and knowing that I will not be able to make them see what's really going on makes my defense mechanism kick in; and so I walk away. That sentence wasn't really so clear as to what my defense mechanism is so I'll tell you, it is to run. Always to run. That's not to say that I don't confront problems or solve them, but I run first - I regroup and think about my actions a thousand times over before I ever make a move. That being said, when I make my move I'm always a hundred steps ahead of whatever opposition lies in my path which I suppose is why I succeed more often than I fail.

Still, I resent humanity because of my shortcoming as for a way to save it. Does that make me a bad person? Or in a way, is the world an aggressor towards people like me? The 'Dangerous' free thinkers?