Isn't it funny how humans obsess over things? Emotions, actions, objects, relationships, people and even dreams. It's the human condition to mull something over in your head for so long that it's bolted in there, and you can't stop mulling it over. It eats at you because maybe you need that something, or you don't understand it. There are several reasons this kind of thing occurs. In people with obsessive compulsive disorder it can be to avoid thinking about something else. In people with obsessive compulsive disorder the common defensive action is to find an activity or a number to focus on to keep from thinking intrusive thoughts which, by the time they have set in the head for a while, have been blown far out of proportion but are still real to the victim. An example of this is me, I do things in fours. I brush my teeth for four minutes, I take four paper towels, I use four ice cubes, I eat things in multiples of four and I even set the volume on the stereo in my car to a multiple of four based on the stereo unit's scale. Am I crazy? No, I'm just a little unwell.
You see, my obsession isn't exactly a small one and is far beyond my control. It has been set in for nine years now, hasn't gotten me yet, but eventually it will get to the point where it inhibits my life to some extent. My obsession is with death. It's a bad obsession to have, not because of suicidal or homicidal thoughts but because of the obsession itself. You can't understand death, even if you die and come back you can't put a grasp on it. You can't make it fit reality, because it's not real. Everything that's real ends with death. Even the fat lady sings for death.
That's so unacceptable to me that it's not even laughable. You see, I'm an analytical person - I need to explain things. If something can't be explained I have to find probable theories and choose one which I support best with the facts obtained and opinions on anything that can't be fact based. After I have a theory luckily I can stop there, I don't have to prove the theory as if I did I'd be bat shit insane right now. There are no theories for death though, it just is. Just like life, you can't explain why we're here or where we came from - but we're here and that's what matters. Life and death, you must have both or neither and that's just the way it is.
When I died, there was nothing on the other side. Really I'm reluctant to use the phrase "the other side" because there isn't one, but how else do you explain where you were exactly when saying you were dead. Damn man and his reasoning, his need to label things. When you die, as your senses fade things seem to happen slower. You notice your vision blur and sounds becoming muffled, you feel your blood course your veins ever slower and that feeling of the end comes creeping up on you. You hit the floor, and then it all just goes black. Most of the time that's it, it's over. Not for me, that would be too easy. No, next you wake up. Things just as slowly blur their way back into existence and you're left with a hole in your perception of reality.
Death ripped my life a new one, and never gave me anything to patch it with. Like a lover who has lost that special someone to death, my love waits on the other side of a missed heart beat - forever out of my reach and understanding. Reality can be a real bitch sometimes.
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