In the end

It was boredom that created you, dear blog, and it is boredom that brings me now back to you to write once more on the intricacies of my head.

So, humanity, the question on my mind these days seems to be what's the difference between you and I? Aside from the fact that you can point fingers without open eyes? I'm just curious because it's hard for me to understand how we differ at all?

I mean the reality of it all is that we're all "human", a clever little title that one, and we all have differences and similarities. These differences and similarities however are just characteristics, characteristics are perceptions, perceptions are what shape and mold reality for us individually. If that is so, then we all must approach life by perceiving it, and thus are we not all the same? Do we not all go through life sticking our metaphorical tongues out to taste the air?

But we really don't even have to go that philosophical with it to see that we're all the same, the biggest differences we have are race and gender. I mean racism and sexism are on the decline but they never really go away. The reason for that is the system we live in, which is made to drown us in the shit. You want something you must inevitably take it from someone else, and in order for you to want to do that you need to hate them. So greed becomes hatred, hatred becomes violence, violence becomes oppression, and oppression becomes war - and war my friends is the end of us all.

We're a fucking ouroboros story friends, we're chomping at the end of our own fucking existence. I say this with rage on my tongue but love in my heart, I hate to watch us fall. Watching us crumble into cliques of race and class like foolish children, it sickens me. What's worse however, is the fact that while we crumble into these foolish cliques the people behind the scenes are getting ready to turn us all into slaves - forever. Friends, do you really think that just because you live in the 'land of the free' you're free? None of us are free, not one of us on this god forsaken planet. What enslaves us is reality. The reality we've created with money, possessions, religions, sex, governments, laws, oppression, nations and power. The reality that unless you're powerful you're serving the powerful, the notion that any one man is better than any other man.

Still, I look around and I don't see anyone else getting pissed. As a matter of fact, I see all of you FUCKING SHEEP eating from the very hands that strike you down! You stare through the boob tube all day, all fucking day, you don't think for yourself or do anything you're just spoon fed lies and quite content with it. I swear the way you spineless fucks eat up the shit they're selling you it's just detestable. When did humanity become such a disgrace, when did it all go to shit? When did we stop giving a fuck that the governments who work FOR US are FUCKING US? When did we stop giving a shit that we're killing each other so our governments can build more highways and build more prisons and build more - oh what the fuck does it even matter what they're building anymore it's all for the same purpose: control.

But you know with as mad as I get at you sheep-like people, I just get kinda hopeless too. Where's the responsibility lie, you know? Whose fault is it that we stopped rebelling when shit wasn't quite right? Whose fault is it that we got a little too comfortable and became easy prey to those who seek control? At any rate, the time's comin where you're gonna have to choose between freedom and security, tyranny and liberty. The choice will cost a lot of you your lives, so I'm really hoping you end up making the right choice.

As for me I think I'll die my own man, even if that means I die for what you see as nothing - in my mind I wont have any regrets. I'm sick of regretting things, so I'm just not gonna do that anymore. It's always the same you know, it's just a shame, that's all.

Ode to Skyrim

Just a small fan poem about The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. I love this game, so intense sometimes. Written in a mix of poetry and modern prose.

You step out of breezehome to head off on your travels

Having heard of great treasure and bandits to scour

You ready your steed and don him his saddle

Then it’s off to explore the ruins of once a great tower

Up on the mountain with tower in sight

The bandits are spotted – a weak looking lot

The chief then steps up - “your gold or your life”

You size up the lot – “I’ll leave you to rot”

With a flick of your tongue they burn like the sun

As survivors take off for the door

It’s only begun yet their poor lives are done

As you put the last of them down with the sword

But lo and behold there’s more to be told

As dragons swoop down from above

Their souls all but sold they’re sure to be bold

Yet with landing their graves they have dug

They breathe frost and fire but you do not tire

And beckon a storm from above

They fly ever higher but now to their ire

The lightning has shown them no love

One comes crashing down with a cacophonic sound

To find that your blade’s at his throat

With a strike to the crown the beast is brought down

And his flaming flesh sent down the road

Now one ancient remains as he lands in disdain

And with pride shouts “Yol Toor Shul”

Flames he did rain and leveled the plain

But it seems he mistook you a fool

As you lower your shield you’re filled with new zeal

And lunge towards the dragon with force

The dragon does reel for defeat he must feel

As his blood hits the ground in remorse

You walk in the tower and to the end of our tale

Seeking your payment for felling the beasts

A word wall before you – a power unveiled

A great gift of magic – a malevolent speech.

Dawn of Understanding

It's finally occurred to me. I finally understand why people fight so hard to stay alive, just to breathe, just to wake up one more day. It's not even complex, scientific, religion based, or out of love. It's because life itself is beautiful, it's because the sensation of being alive alone is enough to live for.

Honestly, I'm almost embarrassed to have not seen it before. It's so simple, but I don't think that someone who's dead inside can look at life the way you have to look at it to see that. Those lost in despair cannot see the good in life, and I have been lost for all of my life, until recently. Just as death knows nothing of life, life knows nothing of death. I am glad to have been able to see both sides of the spectrum, and I respect both greatly.

The simple sensations that come from life are enough, no, they're more than enough. Waking up in the morning and taking your first breath of the day, the sight of a beautiful sunset, the smell of spring flowers, the sound of rain falling and the feel of the embrace of another. All these simple things are such great reasons to be alive, being alive is a great reason to be alive.

I love it, I love how simple it is. Most of all, I love how I feel now, finally understanding it. I feel like all of my problems and worries have washed away, I am at peace. I have never felt this way. It is amazing to appreciate life for simply being alive. It's beautiful, the world is so beautiful when you take the time to really look at it. As ugly as the human race is, as much evil as there is in the world - there is beauty to be found if you are willing to look for it, and I never was. What a fool I was, to take all of this for granted. Still, you must be foolish to appreciate the knowledge gained through your years.

Haha, I am smiling. I'm smiling! This is unimportant to you, the reader, for you do not know. You simply have no idea what I have been for the last sixteen years of my life. But none of that matters now, it just doesn't matter at all.

I'm alive. I love you, I love me, I love the world. Thank the universe for it being here, and for allowing me to be here with it.

May love find you every day.

This may be farewell, I don't know that I need this blog anymore. I have grown beyond my petty problems, there is no reason to fret the things I had worried on. There is no reason to be sad, not with all this beauty and love abound.

Real life? What's so real about it?

"Real life," I love that phrase. I use it pretty often, but then again I couldn't put a name on it honestly. I usually use it in the context that real life is anything not on the internet.

In all honesty though, I ponder the meaning of reality constantly. It's funny how humans make labels symbols and concepts for things that never existed before we thought them up. I mean, if nothing was ever there to ponder over the essence of reality, would "reality" ever have existed?

For example, no one cared about gravity; knew it existed; or even questioned why they could stand on the earth until Newton got hit by a falling apple and said "what the fuck man?" That, ladies and gentleman, is solid proof of why sometimes thinking can simply lead you to a paradox with no answer, and drive you mad. The power of thought, the power to bring things which don't even really exist into the "reality" of humans. For whatever we think must be real, must have meaning and most assuredly must have a place in the universe.... right?

I think humans are the most arrogant pieces of shit in the universe you know, well, maybe stars have us beat. Still, the fact remains that we put names to things, give them characteristics and then label them as to their importance. Who gives us the right? What makes us the identifiers of all that is and all that will be? I think we all could learn from the humbleness of people such as Gandhi.

Ah but it's just a dream, to think that people will ever wake up to the fact that they're just specks in the grand universe. Not that we even know if there's only one universe.

Then again, maybe life is just a dream. Maybe this is all just some experience we're allowed to have and we'll all wake up one day thinking "man, that was a crazy ass dream." Perhaps we're all just thoughts, fragments of lost principals and morals or ideals in some greater being's head. Somehow aware of ourselves in some kind of subconscious way, yet none of us are without end.

Such is the way of things, to live and to die - that is the fate of humanity. Nothing more, perhaps maybe a little less though.

Just thinking about society

All the rules, implicit and explicit, of our world really rub me the wrong way sometimes. Our reality is a bit askew, if you ask me. Just because we're at the top of the food chain we feel like we define the laws of reality or something, telling people how to act and what to eat and drink. I think we overstep our bounds pretty regularly when we do things like that. A society is nothing but a group of individuals, that's right, individuals. The whole is only as great as the sum of its parts, we diminish the whole when we tell the parts what they will be, and limit them to that definition of acceptable.

Haven't we been shown enough times by now that breaking the rules really can bring about a good change? I mean, if Da Vinci hadn't cut up corpses we would not have modern medicine today. If astronomers hadn't fought the powers that were and taught that the world was round we might even still think it's flat.

I'm not gonna list examples all day, I just want to state my case and point here. You can't limit people by laws and then expect to grow as a whole. If the individual parts are limited to the point of not being able to reach their full potential then the whole feels the same limitations, and therefore cannot reach its full potential.

It's sad really, the way people just accept the limitations that are forced upon them by a society of people whom are also limited. It's like we just inherit the bonds of humanity and are shackled upon the insurmountable wall of society. Never to be truly free, never to break our bonds and shout from the mountains who we are and how we are.

I might be labeled crazy for having different ideals and beliefs. I might be weird and socially unacceptable because of who I am, hell I might even be impossible to get along with because my beliefs contradict yours and I wont back down on them. There is however one thing that I am not, and that is chained. Your world will not hold me down.

Super pumped

Super pumped to get my copy of Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim today. Gonna be so fucking sweet.

Ah, had to get that out of my system.

On a more meaningful subject, it must suck to have to write those fear blogs. Well, not have to but you get the point. I don't think I could keep my sanity while writing about being stalked by some kind of paranormal abomination. I mean, I already look over my shoulder pretty often because I feel like someone's watching me. I already hear things like my name being called or other shit, I don't need any more influences from my inner craziness to pull from.

That being said, I have to say: cudos to those of you that do. For the most part, the ones that I follow have a feeling of realness, of urgency to them. It takes some well placed talent for writing to be able to create something that can communicate urgency and emotion through words.

A new approach

It seems the common dive in and tackle it method will not work with my issues. Seems it's time to hit the books and handle things one at a time. Oh well, taking it slow is probably better anyway, all things in due time. For right now I feel a little better knowing I'm making progress, slow but sure.

I wonder sometimes why people give diseases names, or why we even have symbols for psychological diseases. I mean for the most part they aren't even sicknesses, just problems that need dealing with. Giving a group of symptoms a name makes it feel like something entirely new, so you completely miss the way to solve the problem. All people with "psychological illnesses" should just remember one thing: the whole is the sum of its parts. The roots of the problem are where you start. For the logger who starts at the top of the tree will find himself falling out of safety.

Last few days at work have been rather productive at least, with my mind a little clearer I've been able to get many things done. When it comes to my job I am one magnificent bastard, but I think I make up for that by failing at just about every other aspect of life haha. It's ok though, I don't really care about success I'm more about just enjoying things as they are. I am complacent in my current state of mind and life.

The ol' Dalai Lama was once asked what surprised him most, and the way he described man from that answer pretty much says everything about humans - everything I try not to be. "Man, because he sacrifices his health in order to make money then he sacrifices his money to recuperate his health. Then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present. The result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived."

There is wisdom to be had in the minds of our forebears.